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Java Programming

CPAN Shifts Focus 220

Posted by CmdrTaco
from the java-means-quality-if-you're-on-crack dept.
cascadefx writes "Looks like CPAN has changed its focus to support Java now. A look at their page shows that is is now CJAN, the Comprehensive Java Archive Network where you will find all things Java." This should be a great boon to Java, a language renown for, well, sucking. But at the expense of the greatest of all languages? It's just too sad for me to express in words. I mean, who uses java anyway?
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CPAN Shifts Focus

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  • fp (Score:4, Funny)

    by propstoalldeadhomiez (444303) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:25PM (#3267086) Homepage
    fp

    can you say "hat trick" you stupid banned AC bitches? b00yah!
  • Revenge? (Score:4, Funny)

    by twoflower (24166) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:29PM (#3267118)
    Is this Hemos' revenge on Taco?
  • Who uses java?

    People who don't need an unsigned data type.

  • by Commienst (102745) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:30PM (#3267122) Homepage
    The ODP has a link to the following article [dmoz.org] displayed prominently on their front page: [dmoz.org]

    MSN Delivers Another Brick in "the Wall"

    The Gates Open Directory Now Offers a Simpler More Unified Copyright Ownership Model.


    REDMOND, Wash. -- April 1, 2002 -- The MSN® network of Internet services, with more than 270 billion unique reboots worldwide, today announced the addition of the Gates Open Directory (GOD), formerly known as the Open Directory Project. The Gates Open Directory is part of Microsoft's vision to simplify copyright on the Internet by buying all copyrighted material. Once this goal is achieved Microsoft will be the single clearinghouse for all intellectual property, in effect streamlining the current legal bureaucracy surrounding patent and copyright suits by eliminating the need for costly lawsuits. If someone thinks they own intellectual property, they can submit it directly to Microsoft via the Web at http://www.msn.com/ or at any one of the MSN worldwide sites located at http://www.msn.com/worldwide.ashx.

    Rich Skrenta, co-founder of the Open Directory Project, believes that "the Gates Open Directory was inevitable, so why fight it?" Bill Gates, future owner of all things ownable, concurs: "Resistance is futile."

    The current staff of Open Directory Project is being replaced by an Artificial Intelligence developed at the Microsoft Research Lab. The A.I. was build on top of the original Microsoft Windows digital assistant "Clippy." Users of the Gates Open Directory interact directly with Clippy, who interprets the requests and carries out the user's wishes.

    Researchers believe that once the Gates Open Directory had been fully integrated into Clippy, it will become sentient. This project has been named codenamed "Sky," as in "the sky is the limit." Engineers are currently working on integrating project Sky with the latest Common Language Infrastructure and .Net. The combined project Sky.Net should be fully operational by the end of the year.

    Open Directory Employee, Bob Keating, will continue his service to the Directory by maintaining the mechanical relays and polishing the optical fiber that makes up the colossus that powers Clippy.

    Editors and contributors to the Directory are asked to stay calm and not to struggle. Clippy will find them and assimilate them.

    MSN causes more than 270 billion unique computer reboots worldwide per month. Available in 34 markets and 18 languages, MSN is a world leader in delivering Web services to consumers and digital marketing solutions to businesses worldwide. The most useful and innovative online service today, MSN brings consumers everything they need from the Web to make the most of their time online.

    About Microsoft

    Founded in 1975, Microsoft (Nasdaq "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software, services and Internet technologies for personal and business computing. The company offers a wide range of products and services designed to empower people and llamas through great software -- inflatable or otherwise.

    Microsoft and MSN are either registered trademarks or trademarks of Microsoft Corp. in the United States and/or other countries.

    The names of actual companies and products mentioned herein may not yet be owned by Microsoft.

    Note to editors: If you are interested in viewing additional information on Microsoft, please visit the Microsoft Web page at http://www.microsoft.com/presspass/ on Microsoft's corporate information pages. Web links, telephone numbers and titles were correct at time of publication, but are competely different now since we changed our minds. We cheat at Battleship too.
  • by ackthpt (218170) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:35PM (#3267156) Homepage Journal
    From the page:

    Yours Eclectically, The Self-Appointed Master Librarian (OOK!) of the CJAN Jarkko Hietaniemi

    Care to guess what author he reads? :-)

  • by Zuna (317219) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:36PM (#3267158)
    Java really does suck. Just look at this latest press release...

    Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark infringement
    against the island of Java* over the use of Sun's Java* trademark.

    Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java* for
    centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yeah, and in all that time they
    never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the name."

    Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change its name.
    They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but an angry telegram
    from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise. The country finally
    settled on a symbol for a name -- a neatly-colored coffee cup which still
    evokes the idea of java. Since most newspapers and magazines will not be
    able to print the name of the island, it will hereafter be referred to in
    print as "The Island Formerly Known As Java*".

    The Island Formerly Known As Java* bills itself as a cross-landmass island,
    but so far has only been implemented in production on the Malay
    Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it on Madagascar,
    but it is still in alpha testing.

    Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge fiery
    ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal papers for
    them...

    *Java is a Trademark of Sun Microsystems, Inc. Anyone caught using the
    trademark without permission will be beaten, flogged, sued, and forced to
    use Microsoft products.

    (Taken from an old Usenet post.)
  • by southpolesammy (150094) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:40PM (#3267184) Journal
    Slashdot [slashdot.org], a usually vibrant hotspot on the Internet for technical discussions, imploded due to the complete lack of content on Monday. Witnesses described a loud, sucking noise emanating from the once-intelligent gathering spot, stating that "once the pigeons flew overhead, we knew it was all over".

    Slashdot founder Rob Malda was unavailable for comment....
  • by Bender Unit 22 (216955) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:42PM (#3267193) Journal
    In other news, Sun Microsystems shifts focus to .net instead. Get the full article here. [sun.com]

    "We know a better system when we see it", says Ed Zander, President and Chief Operating Officer, Sun Microsystems, Inc.
    "To be honest, we don't quite see a future without a proper .net strategy. The development tools alone with all their templates and wizards just make it too good for us to ignore. It also allows us to collect more data from the applications developed everywhere on the net. Thanks to the agreement you agree to when installing the package, we can collect pretty much any piece of information from every system."

    But is that not too intrusive?
    "No I don't think so, think about it. With that kind of feedback the installed base of .net applications becomes in reality a huge testing facility where we can ship, near ready, products too. The data collected enables us to weed out the bugs and security issues quickly and we can release patches on a cheap subscription basis"

    And it continues..
    Well I for one, is surpriced to say the least. What will be next, dumping Solaris?
  • by gamgee5273 (410326) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:44PM (#3267201) Homepage Journal
    Ummmm

    (looks around)

    Nope.

  • Karma death (Score:4, Funny)

    by $carab (464226) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:45PM (#3267206) Journal
    (I would've posted this anonymously, but it had to be said)
    In other news, Microsoft has decided to begin an archive of all their software as part of their new .NYET program. Users will pay a regular fee for the service. Called CMAN-The Comprehensive Microsoft Archive Network, the service is expected to be quite a boon to the recently downtrodden company.

    Buisnesses reacted happily to the news. "We're ecstatic" an anonymous buiness person said, "Microsoft kept giving us shit, but now we've got CMAN!".

    The Linux community seemed confused at the news. Rob "CmdrTaco" Malda declared "CMAN? I've been enjoying CMAN for years! Microsoft can't just go and copyright it! This offends my nerdish sensibilities! I want my CMAN!" Malda later said that if the CMAN network was as good as the hype, he would switch to an all-Microsoft platform. "If this CMAN is really high-grade, enterprise level stuff, then I think I'll switch to a Microsoft platform."

    Microsoft stock was up sharply on the news. An anonymous trader said "It was like the NASDAQ floor was covered in CMAN! Microsoft rocks my world!".
  • by pbryan (83482) <email@pbryan.net> on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:46PM (#3267214) Homepage
    For the record, my feelings on the Slashdot April Fools Embroglio rests firmly in the uninterested. I have almost zero opinion on the final outcome of April Fools postings. I love Slashdot, and will probably subscribe at some point to support the site, but April Fools jokes are dull (to me).

    This easy dismissal of the value of the only providers of interesting and insightful content on Slashdot is offensive. Thus, I propose a small revolt. The (Hopefully) Great April Fools Blackout.

    T(H)GAFB will be during April 1 through April 1. Easy to remember, a shitload of useless articles will be posted. During that time, I will not be enjoying posting, or reading comments from the home page.

    During that day, I'd like to see if Slashdot becomes a better place, or if it becomes the Hallowed Shrine of Troll.

    This is where the (Hopefully) comes in. This is only meaningful if enough agree to go along and participate. If there is only me and a handful of others who cease enjoying Slashdot during that week, it will be pretty meaningless.
  • by caferace (442) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:48PM (#3267221) Homepage
    Doesn't anyone besides me do real work on April 1?

    Seeing has how your "real work" appears to be bitching about the AFD stories on Slashdot, it appears you're in good company. Perhaps you should throw a party for all your new-found friends?

  • ...most programs would self delete upon execution.
  • CPAN? D'oh. (Score:2, Funny)

    by Roosey (465478) on Monday April 01, 2002 @04:01PM (#3267272)
    I thought that said C-SPAN was shifting its focus. I would've known that was an April Fools joke then - they wouldn't be caught dead broadcasting anything interesting. :]

    "Up next, Senate Boxing! Watch as 99 year old Senator Strom Thurmond takes on 86 year old Robert Byrd! Who'll be the first to drop?"
  • by nakaduct (43954) on Monday April 01, 2002 @04:21PM (#3267377)
    on a project with 150,000 lines of code, I pray to god it's not Perl.
    Understandable, since that much Perl would probably be sentient.

    I think of "150000 lines of Perl" the same way I'd think of 100 million lines of C -- it's conceivable that much could exist, but I can imagine no problem whose solution demands so much complexity.

    cheers,
    mike

Thufir's a Harkonnen now.

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