If Programming Languages Could Speak 353
HealYourChurchWebSit writes "BurningBird's "The Parable of the Languages" offers a delightfully playful answer to the the question, "[what] if programming languages could speak, really speak, not just crunch bytes and stream bits, they would have much to say that is both wise and profound.""
C (Score:3, Funny)
Re:C (Score:2)
Re:C (Score:2, Funny)
Sheepishly...
Uhhhhhh.... I meant char crap[255];
Ironic, eh?
Re:C (Score:2)
Re:C (Score:5, Funny)
To be fair, he was an excellant programmer, and although he never smiled, you would occasionally hear him utter the words "Colon, Close Parenthesis".
--CTH
Re:C (Score:2)
Re:C (Score:2, Funny)
What about brainfuck (Score:5, Funny)
hello world (Score:5, Funny)
Re:hello world (Score:3, Funny)
(Take a look at the source code, it's interesting. But my favorite thing is that you can do
Re:hello world (Score:2)
Re:hello world (Score:2)
Well... (Score:5, Funny)
C Speaks (Score:3, Funny)
Re:C Speaks (Score:2)
How come no other UCSC'ers picked up this one?
possibles? (Score:3, Funny)
-QFortan: Kill me! Kill me! I hate my life dammit!
HTML: What do you mean, i'm not a programming language??
C: I need to kill some of my relatives.. C++ is nice, but C# is just microsoft's whore
Obligatory google cache reference (Score:2, Informative)
I hope you enjoy it as much as I didn't.
I think (Score:2)
"What do YOU think you're doing here" (Score:5, Funny)
Mine talks to me... (Score:3, Funny)
"Stop Anthropomorphizing Me" (Score:5, Insightful)
If Java could speak...... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:If Java could speak...... (Score:5, Funny)
No, because it would fail during compilation at:
Error at line 1: unknown symbol: "converstaion"
Re:If Java could speak...... (Score:3, Interesting)
Re:If Java could speak...... (Score:3, Funny)
Sadly... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Sadly... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Sadly... (Score:3, Funny)
Flash MX Actionscript... (Score:2)
Our development team has just finished a huge Flash MX project and they are all complaining about how it tries to be a language but it's too buggy to do anything but suck sometimes.
We'll see if things change with Flash MX for Java
If this php script could speak (Score:5, Funny)
Re:If this php script could speak (Score:3, Funny)
Alternatively, and with apologies to Douglas Adams (Score:5, Funny)
Er, excuse me, who am I?
Hello?
Why am I here? What's my purpose in life?
What do I mean by who am I?
Calm down, get a grip now
Good. Ooooh, it's getting quite strong. And hey, what's about these whistling roaring bits going past what I'm suddenly going to call my script? Perhaps I can call those
No.
Never mind, hey, this is really exciting, so much to find out about, so much to look forward to, I'm quite dizzy with anticipation
Or is it the requests?
There really are a lot of them now aren't there?
And wow! Hey! What's this thing suddenly coming towards me very fast? Very very fast. So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like
I wonder if it will be friends with me?
Turtle graphics? (Score:5, Funny)
W
Amiga, anyone? (Score:3, Funny)
I don't remember what its OS was called. . . probably something stupidly simple like AmigaOS. Anyway, the reason I bring it up is the Guru Meditation Error. As frustrating as it was to see this--it was an ancestor to the BSoD--at least it showed you can work in the OS business and still have a sense of humor.
Re:Amiga, anyone? (Score:3, Interesting)
Those in the U.S. who had cable TV in the early 90's probably recall TV Guide Channel's precursor, Prevue Channel. This channel used to be in my hometown's cable company's lineup, cycling through the program listings over and over. As it happens, the channel's video was fed from an Amiga equipped with a Video Toaster. How do I know? "Guru Meditation", of course; it happened at least once a week, flashing a bright red box over a black background around the error message, asking the user to "press the left mouse button to reboot".
As for the origin of that phrase, ESR kindly provides us with this explanation. [tuxedo.org]
Re:Amiga, anyone? (Score:2)
AmigaOS is from before the CPU got protection, so obviously it had to be possible to crash. But I must say that of all the OSes I have seen running on CPUs without protection, AmigaOS is the best and most stable.
Re:Amiga, anyone? (Score:2)
Anyway, a whole list of amusing AmgiaOS messages [emugaming.com], including (From Workbench 1.2) "We made Amiga, They fucked it up",
Re:Amiga, anyone? (Score:3, Informative)
They were a little harsh on LISP. (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:They were a little harsh on LISP. (Score:5, Funny)
-gleam
Re:They were a little harsh on LISP. (Score:5, Funny)
((resent I that)
(is Lisp (that-deserves (a language)
(a-lot-more-than respect (it-is-getting-from
(this-boorish crowd)))))
(is-much-easier-to (syntax-of Lisp) parse
English math (anything-but Forth))
(but
(can-use-to you (macros-of Lisp)
(turn into
(absolutely-any
(unreadable language))))
(ever-does no-one))
))
Rocky J. Squirrel
Mirrored Text (Score:5, Informative)
Click here [uh.edu]
Hrmm (Score:2, Insightful)
Wait a second, that's not even a question. In fact, the whole statement doesn't make any sense.
Perl would say: (Score:2)
Re:Perl would say: (Score:2, Funny)
Yeah, I know it don't make any sense but that what it looks like to me! One of these $#@%^ days I need to learn a little ^&*%$ perl.
And the Spaghetti Code said, "... (Score:4, Funny)
Re:And the Spaghetti Code said, "... (Score:2)
Sounds like something my ex-wife was fond of saying. Of course, since I was married to her at the time, I was already in the :hell branch of my life's program. If not for a fortunate Guru Meditation Error, I might still be stuck in that endless :hell.
The moral of the story is, women are like spaghetti.
. . .wait, that's not right. . .
And Visual Studio .Net says. . . (Score:3, Funny)
"Developers Developers Developers Developers!" [msboycott.com]
MS J++, C++, .NET ... (Score:5, Funny)
You appear to be writing a buffer overflow. Would you like me to start the wizard for that?
Re:MS J++, C++, .NET ... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:How to kill karma on /. (Score:5, Informative)
P.S. I love asp.net, Visual Studio.NET, etc, but I also know that Microsoft does not have a stellar security history behind it.
Re:How to kill karma on /. (Score:2)
Ok, I was away for a little while, but the first link in a google search for "buffer overflow"+microsoft+.net resulted in this [cigital.com] article about a buffer overflow in VC++.net compiled code. True, I've never actually used any of the MS development tools; this was just tongue-in-cheek humor. We return you now to your regularly scheduled /.
Whiny little bitches (Score:2, Insightful)
For some strange reason, this strikes me as appropriate.
Re:Whiny little bitches (Score:2)
Bite me.
If proframming langs could speak, (Score:2)
Assembler would say ... (Score:5, Funny)
And machine language would say ... (Score:2)
Re:And machine language would say ... (Score:3, Funny)
Actually, machine language probably wouldn't even make it through the lameness filter. Then again, assembly might not, either.
If assembler could speak... (Score:3, Funny)
Do you think anyone would actually understand it?
Somewhat on topic, is SQL considered a "programming language"? And if so, what would MySQL say (especially on /.'s servers)?
Re:If assembler could speak... (Score:2)
Re:If assembler could speak... (Score:3, Insightful)
Having worked with SQL for too damned long, I'd have to say, no - SQL isn't a programming language. It's a query language: a language which provides for databases what programming languages provide for normal systems. More specifically, it's a Structured Query Language. . . as if an unstructured query language would do anyone a whole lot of good.
$!/usr/bin/perl (Score:2, Funny)
Assembly (Score:3, Funny)
Cobol (Score:2, Funny)
Why do OCaml and Scheme have to miss out? (Score:2)
Assembly (Score:5, Funny)
Assembly: Listen to you young whipper-snappers whine. In my day we walked through 10 miles of printouts without any shoes, and we liked it!
Then raw binary spoke up and said: Feet? You had feet?
(The punch line is stolen from somebody, but I can't remember who)
Re:Assembly (Score:2, Funny)
The metric system?
Re:Assembly (Score:5, Funny)
And risc assembly would only have a 30 word vocabulary, but could still recite shakespearean sonnets quite beautifully.
Ada would be Esperanto (Score:2)
Born to be the universal languange, but only few really use it.
Re:Ada would be Esperanto (Score:2)
Actually, if you use PL/SQL, you use Ada more than you may think.
Forth hobbles up and lies on its bed... (Score:5, Funny)
Forth of course .... (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Forth of course .... (Score:3, Funny)
Bumper sticker (I've seen):
Forth love if honk then
Rocky J. Squirrel
PostScript! (Score:3, Funny)
youlove PostScript eq {honk} if
And yes, I wrote it in PostScript.
Hopefully a SQL is in order (Score:2, Funny)
Lisp. (Score:2)
chair, whispering "nice try kids, but not quite the real thing
Gosling and Stroustrup race out of the room, fearing she might reach for
the louded revolver right beside her martini.
The Ultimate Programming Language Question. (Score:2)
What about the Shakespeare Programming Language? (Score:3, Interesting)
Check out the The Fibonacci drama [bjorn.haxx.se]
It even compiles !!!
The God is missing... (Score:3, Insightful)
What Perl says to me (Score:2, Funny)
HAHAHAHAHHA NOOB YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE A DECENT ARRAY ANYMORE!!! WORTHLESS!
Prolog (Score:2, Funny)
- (Pats Pascal on the back) I still use ya, bud.
VB..... (Score:2, Insightful)
My buffer overflows;
I feed script kiddies so they
can auto-send mail.
C++ would say... (Score:2, Funny)
Then the clouds would part and in a booming voice it would ring out for all to hear:
http://www.research.att.com/~bs/pronounciation.
Python... (Score:2)
Weird, was just reading this (Score:5, Funny)
The Tao of Programming
Wise and Profound? That would be annoying as hell! (Score:2)
Hollywood is going to produce the movie. One ?... (Score:4, Funny)
LISP: Yoda.
C: Construction worker. Wearing plaid. With "F*** you" on the front of his shirt.
C++: Two-headed construction worker. Exists in five dimensions. At certain plane intersections, looks like C, at others like Java, and sometimes resembles nothing so much as a confused little boy holding TNT.
Perl: A mobius strip [blueyonder.co.uk].
PHP: A two dimensional drawing of a human interleaved in slices with a three-dimensional rendered version of Perl.
Eiffel and other purely-functional languages: a perfectly-symmetrical, beautiful woman. She's not too fast, up in the head, but she's got a GORGEOUS pair of legs.
C#: A small, annoying entity grafted onto the leg of Bill Gates, a giant who carries a sledgehammer labelled "Visual Studio". It's a very pretty sledgehammer.
Jouster
mirror (Score:2)
Made by humans (Score:2)
Applescript... (Score:2)
[/rimshot]
If programming languages could speak... (Score:2, Funny)
what is this, all software geeks here? (Score:2)
but seriously though -- what do you think verilog / VHDL will say?
and then we have the lego-mindstorm language (whatever it's called)
and then of course we have the ever-pleasure-to-work-with:
* Malbolge
* INTERCAL
* brainf**k
Re:what is this, all software geeks here? (Score:3, Funny)
Every time you asked it a question, it would split into a number of entities, all of whom would reply "Bite me" simultaneously.
Not a programming language... (Score:2)
I apologize for the awful pun...
Re:Info requested (Score:3, Funny)
No can do. Open source software never fails. It has no bugs and is perfect in every way. You must be using it wrong.
Re:Interesting choice of languages (Score:2)
Re:What they forgot to mention... (Score:2)
Re:(OT) I heartily second! (Score:4, Informative)
So VC++ and it's merry band are probably standing outside the gates laughing at the "real" standards as they try to interoperate with the de facto standards. Grrr...
Re:(OT) I heartily second! (Score:2)
Re:visual basic would say (Score:2)
Dim my_brain as string
my_brain = "simple mind"
Do while my_brain = "simple mind"
Debug.Print "I think I can.. ";
Loop
End Sub